Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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