I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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