please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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