Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
