I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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