Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
