I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
