Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
