hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
