So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
