I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
