So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
