Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize