Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
