I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
