The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
