Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We named our party play list daddy issues
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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