you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
