Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
