Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
