I want to stick my p in your. b.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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