the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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