yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize