TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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