Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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