Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
