the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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