So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
