I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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