new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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