I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
