I just cut my nipple shaving
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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