Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Let's get the cat blown out
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
