Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dignity is for republicans.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
