i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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