it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
