Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
