mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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