I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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