Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
