come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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