I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
