just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
