i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
