i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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