I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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