you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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