Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
