I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
