Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
