We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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