You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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