that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
