I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm passing your future prison.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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