Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
