This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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