if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
