this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
